After much contemplation, I finally starting seeing a new therapist who is more knowledgable about (and understands) LGBTQ issues. He’s an adorable gay man who is very gentle, yet can be pushy and knows how to pry–perfect for what I need right now. I discussed my transition more openly in the assessment appointment than I did in the past year with my previous therapist. He also happens to be at an eating disorder treatment center in the area, which has been both good and uncomfortable at the same time. It is great for me because he’s also knowledgable about eating disorders/body image, both of which are still pertinent issues for me. However, the location, an eating disorder treatment center, makes me incredibly uncomfortable. The first time I was admitted, or well, forced, into eating disorder “rehab” was on my 18th birthday, and even thinking about those places, let alone walking into one, makes me uncomfortable, anxious, and irritated. It’ll just have to be an issue I get over with in time. Finding a new therapist has been a much-needed change, and I’m hoping it helps me get through this recovery plateau I’ve hit.
One thing that has been an interesting development in my transition is that, as my partner puts it, I’m becoming a big queen (see definition #2). While I’m generally okay with it, there are times when I realize how effeminate I can be and feel incredibly awkward. For example, this Saturday, I was sitting at the local coffee shop working on a paper, when I realized I was wearing/sporting more hot pink than anyone there… a bright magenta polo, hot pink Macbook case, pink lanyard, etc. While I’m okay with it, my partner has pointed out what is obvious to others–people might think it’s a little odd. But you know what? For better or for worse, I don’t care. Now that I appear (and sound) more masculine, I’m just… well, me. I don’t feel the need to portray my masculinity in boring, lackluster color schemes. Sheesh! What’s a guy gotta do to sport some hot pink around these parts?
Everything else transition-related is going incredibly well. My partner’s top-surgery is approaching and is now in three weeks! My fabulous mother-in-law will be arriving in two and a half weeks and will stay throughout Tray’s recovery period.
After surgery, Tray will officially be able to pass as a man, which should be very interesting for us. When we first started dating two years ago, we appeared to be a lesbian couple. Then, I transitioned, and we appeared to be heterosexual. I’m always handed the check when we go out, people give me the “stink eye” if I don’t hold the door for Tray, etc. Then, in a few weeks, others will see us as gay men. It has been interesting to see how our treatment differs based on others’ perceptions of us and our relationship. Our life would make a very interesting sociology book!